One Month In

Day 29

Amazingly, it has been nearly one month since I began my treatment. While it has taken awhile for things to settle into a routine, I think that we may finally be approaching a comfort level with the schedule. Of all of the things that have struck me during this last month, I am consistently amazed at the level of competency, and compassion that has been shown by my team, from the doctors to the nurses, who consistently go above, and beyond. It makes such a difference to be working with people that sincerely care about you. It has also been overwhelming to be on the receiving end of such an outpouring of caring and love from friends and family.

I must admit that during this time, I have found that it is so much easier to be the giver, than the receiver in almost any situation. To have the tables turned on you, and be placed in the position of being on the receiving end of so many blessings, at first, feels uncomfortable. The thoughts that come to my mind in regard to this twist, is that I feel unbelievably unworthy of everything that has been done for me, and I wonder if perhaps, this is what I am meant to take away from this situation. To be a cheerful giver is so much easier than being a cheerful receiver. While I hear the words,” it is better to give than to receive” resounding in my head, I have also come to understand that in this case, where friends and family are so helpless to change my situation, accepting their sweet acts of kindness allows them to feel that they are doing something that will make a positive impact. To reject that, would be a terrible wrong, and so, I am learning to say, “yes,” and to accept the outpouring with less guilt.

My personality has always been to push through, cut myself little slack, and minimize whatever problems were plaguing me. I am a glass half full thinker, an eternal optimist who has always believed that everything works out for the best. I am also guilty of digging in my heels when I am told that there is something that I cannot do, (think the knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, who wants to continue the fight although he is missing his arms, and legs… get back here and fight… its only a flesh wound!) I am hoping that this optimism, and tenacity (hardheadedness) will serve me well in my own battle.

So, in retrospect, this month has been an eye-opener, as I have had to begin to learn how to, say “yes” more often to others, say,” no” to myself more frequently, to accept my limitations when they arise, and to ask for help when I need it. It is completely unnatural for me, but I am trying to learn that by asking for, or accepting help, it does not reveal a deep character flaw in me, but allows opportunities for others to feel that they are able to make some sort of positive difference in my life, where so much is beyond all of our control. This may be my most bitter pill to swallow, but hopefully, in no time at all, I will find my role reversed once again. I am counting on it.