On My Way Back From Transient Amnesia...
Cycle 8
Week 2
For
anyone wondering where I have been hiding for the last month or so, all
that I can say, is that I have been told that much of that time was
spent in the hospital. Through a bizarre set of circumstances, which I
am sure must have included planets aligning, I have nearly no memory of
my stay. What I do recall, are not so much memories, but snap shots.
Until recently, "The last thing I remembered," was not a phrase I could
imagine using in conversation. Amnesia was something that I knew only as
a worn B-movie, soap opera, or dime-store novel plot line. A three week
stay in the hospital changed that, as I lost not only three weeks of
freedom, but also three weeks of time, literally.
I
must admit that amnesia is more than disconcerting, and can be down
right frightening, especially until you understand what has happened to
you. Thankfully, a few days after my discharge, my wonderful clinic
nurse, quickly picked up on the problem, named it, and found the most
probable cause. Aside from having been incredibly ill, I had also been
given a drug known to produce transient amnesia in about a third of
patients. Amnesia rates increase when patents are given the IV version.
I am a member of the lucky thirty percent club.
Once
I understood that I had a three week block of amnesia to deal with, the
task of filling in a few of the blanks began. One amazing amnesia
tidbit, is that memories are not laid down based on importance or drama.
In fact, it is the more mundane events that appear to be closest to
recall. According to my doctor, and family, it is probably a blessing
that I don't have much of a recollection of those weeks. I will admit
that the little bit I have been able to pull together has not been
altogether pretty, but, I would like to at least be able to give an
accurate accounting of my medical condition during that time.
I would also like to be able to put together a list of folks who so
richly deserve a thank you. So, if you called, visited, sent a card, or
gift, thank you, thank you, thank you. It seems that every day I am
learning that someone else did something wonderful for me or mine, while
I was so under the weather, and out of reality. I am hoping that those
are the memories that will be quickly retrieved. I will not be terribly
disappointed if I fail to retrieve memories dealing with dehydration,
pneumonia, or C-Diff. I will be more than content to leave those holes
unfilled.
Returning
home was a strange experience, beginning with becoming reintroduced to
the little ones. The newborn had grown like a weed and developed a full
fledged personality while I was away. Looking at him those first few
days back was surreal, as I tried to remember his quickly changing
looks, and reconnect with him. The four year old was a dramatically
different story. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him, nor had it
registered with my fevered brain, how much my absence had unnerved him.
Within days, he had asked me to promise that I would never go back to
the hospital. I explained that I would love to tell him that I would
never go back, and that I would try my best, but that I couldn't make
that promise. He then asked me that, if I did have to go back to the
hospital one day, that I would promise to come back home. Although his
first request had brought a tinge of sadness, his second request stung
and could only result in tears.
I
have been home from my amnesia adventure for nearly a month and am only
now beginning to feel reconnected. My energy levels are slowly
beginning to return, but I know it will all happening it's own time. I
am encouraged that I survived the adventure, and am looking forward to
what will come next. The week leading up to my crash included my last
scheduled full force chemo, which means that there will be reevaluation,
and changes coming down the road. My tumor markers are down, but the
proof will come with this weeks scans. I am trusting in the Great
Physician, and have faith in my wonderful medical team here to help me
make the right decisions for the future.
